An extract from my autobiography

Chapter 1: Introduction

I remember little of my birth. In fact, my first proper memory takes place a whole two years later, when my gaze unexpectedly caught that of a young girl and a clown on the television. Quite why the the BBC chose to display such a haunting image between broadcasts in the 1990s, I know not. Nay, the memories I have of my birth are second-hand. According to my mother, I slipped out with ease, my five-week prematurity rendering me particularly svelte. Because of my small size, and the fact that I scored 10 on the APGAR test given to newborn babies to check their appearance, reflexes and intellect, apparently I became something of a celebrity on the ward.

Why am I writing about my birth? Because I am writing about my life. And as Julie Garland says in The Sound of Music, "the best place to start is at the beginning". Why am I writing about my life? Because I have no other option. Publishers have to date shown no interest in my any of my other works. If I had my way, …