'From now on, I identify as Wrisexual'

Diary of an Author: 4-9 Nov 2024

---

4 Nov 2024:

Today I went to the Apple Store to buy a new computer. I was greeted at the door by an enthusiastic young man called Genius, who asked what sort of device I was looking for. I told him I required the most powerful computer available. He asked if I was some kind of 3D artist or graphic designer, and I scoffed and explained that I am a Serious Literary Author. After asking a few more questions about my ‘workflow’, he suggested I may not require such a high-powered device, and that something towards the budget end might better serve my needs. I was shocked and appalled. As a Serious Literary Author, I require maximum power from my computer. Not only must it be able to handle my typing speed, which has been known to exceed 305wpm during instances of writerly euphoria, but it must also be able to cope with the sheer power of my words. In terms of scale and detail, the imagery created by a designer in Adobe Photoshop is nothing compared with the imagery I create in Microsoft Word. A computer without enough RAMS and fans would surely buckle under the weight of my metaphors and motifs. With a hint of hesitation, Genius went to the back of the store and wheeled out the company’s largest and most powerful computer, the Mac Pro. I placed my order, set up a twenty-year payment plan, and left the store, satisfied with my purchase.

---

5 Nov 2024:

Today I brought my new Mac Pro, plus monitor, keyboard and mouse, to my local café to write. Once I was set up, the manager came over looking somewhat vexed. She tried to say something, but unfortunately I couldn’t hear her over the fans.

---

6 Nov 2024:

Today I decided to try investing in cryptocurrency. Whilst this world is entirely foreign to me as a Serious Literary Author, I could do with some extra income right now thanks to some recent outgoings. Plus, an acquaintance recently told me he was “making a killing in crypto,” and advised me to “get on the blockchain”. After scrolling through an extensive list of cryptocurrencies, I eventually spotted one called Litcoin. I knew from the name alone that this was the coin for me. With the entirety of my savings, I was able to purchase four Litcoin. I later went to my local bookshop to purchase the new edition of Samuel Pepys’ diaries. At the desk, I attempted to pay with my new crypto wallet app, but it turned out the shop did not accept Litcoin. I was shocked and appalled. Of all places, surely a bookshop should welcome a currency with ‘Lit’ in the name. Unable to pay for the book by traditional means, I left the shop in disgust.

UPDATE:  After some research, I have discovered that Litcoin is only valid in Lithuania.

---

7 Nov 2024:

After yet another unsuccessful date, I have decided to change my sexuality. I find it impossibly difficult to date non-writers. They simply do not understand me, nor the obstacles that stand in my way of romance, which, among other things, include the very concept of time. For the Serious Literary Author, there is no such thing as ‘free time’, which is when dates traditionally take place. Time spent dating is time not spent writing, and any moment when I am not writing is physically painful for me. Once again tonight I found myself writhing and groaning in Pizza Express, and having to pretend to my date that my suffering was due to a fictional ailment (gout). From now on, I identify as Wrisexual, and refuse to date anybody who is not a writer.

---

8 Nov 2024:

I am shocked and appalled to discover that not a single dating app includes the option to select ‘Wrisexual’ as a preference. For a Serious Literary Author who only seeks to date other writers, this is an egregious omission. Today I emailed the CEO of Tinder to request that this mistake be remedied in the next software update. I also took the opportunity to suggest a few more literary search filters, such as books read, preferred poetic form, and typing speed. For example, I explained, one might seek a match who has read the entirety of Proust in the original French, favours the terza rima, and can achieve a minimum speed of 120wpm. I await the next update with Bated Literary Breath (BLB).

---

9 Nov 2024: 

I have been working on my new Serious Literary Spy Novel featuring Secret Agent Luke Warm. I am particularly proud of the following passage in which Agent Warm searches for a scientist inside a casino.

Agent Warm made his way through the casino, placing one foot in front of the other in a skilful walking motion. Eventually he reached the bar. 

“Cocktail,” he said.

“Coming right up,” replied the bartender.

As he waited for his drink, Warm turned and scanned the casino, searching for Dr. Gorbachev. He had to be here. The intercepted text message from Chapter 7 suggested he was meeting Colonel Plotnikov here at midnight to receive payment for the lethal gas recipe from Chapter 4. But there was no sign of him. Warm took a pair of glasses from his upper jacket pocket and put them on. They had x-ray capabilities, revealing whether people were carrying concealed weapons, as well as showing their underwear. He looked at some women then took them off.

Suddenly, in the corner of the room, Warm spotted a white lab coat. Inside it was Dr. Gorbachev. He was being frisked by a well-muscled bouncer in front of a door marked PRIVATE. Warm put the glasses on again and saw that the bouncer was carrying two guns – an Uzi 412mm under his arm and a silenced Wolfram PP7B in his sock. He was wearing body armour, but it featured a hole over his heart just large enough for a bullet to fit through. Eventually, the bouncer opened the door for Gorbachev. Warm immediately set off towards the open door. 

“But sir, your cocktail!” shouted the bartender.

Warm turned around. “Looks like I’m being spirited away,” he said, raising an eyebrow on the word ‘spirited’ to emphasise the connection to the drink he had just ordered.

---

If you enjoyed this edition of my Serious Literary Diary, I would be honoured, nay, humbled, nay, overjoyed, if you would consider becoming a paid subscriber. These, my most discerning littérateurs, receive exclusive fortnightly essays, a free download of my book of stories and poems, and access to the entire Diary of an Author archive.

---

If you are not yet ready to become a paid littérateur but would still like to offer some Serious Literary Support (SLS), I would be delighted if you would consider buying me a coffee. As a Serious Literary Author, I require a minimum of two flat whites per day in order to function at full writerly capacity.