No Influencers
Diary of an Author: 10-16 March 2025
10 March 2025:
Today I went to my favourite cafe to write. It was going well until a young woman placed a tray on the table next to mine, sat down, took out her phone and filmed herself announcing, “I’ve opted for the almond croissant and the pain au chocolat, and they both look delicious... let’s find out!” She then watched back the clip and, clearly unhappy with her performance, recorded herself saying it again. This time she stumbled over the word ‘chocolat’, so she started again. She watched it back, then started again. By this point I was becoming quite distracted from my sonnet, which, for a Serious Literary Author, is never a good state of affairs. But the young woman continued to repeat the phrase in various upbeat cadences: “I’ve opted for the almond croissant and the pain au chocolat, and they both look delicious… let’s find out!” By the time she began her seventh attempt, I knew I had no choice but to take action. If she was going to disrupt my poetry writing, then I was going to disrupt her content creation. I took out my own phone and filmed myself announcing, as loudly as possible, “I’ve opted to deploy a subtle half-rhyme in the next line, which I think is really going to elevate the whole stanza… let’s find out!” I could sense the young woman looking at me incredulously. I repeated the line again. After I had repeated it for a third time, she asked if I would mind being a little quieter. I repeated the line even more loudly. Clearly furious, she attempted to speak over me with her own line, but I successfully drowned her out, shouting at the top of my voice: “I’ve opted to deploy a subtle half-rhyme in the next line, which I think is really going to elevate the whole stanza… let’s find out!” It was at this point that the manager asked us both to leave, citing the cafe’s ‘no influencers’ policy.
12 March 2025:
Today I received a phone call from somebody asking if I had been in an accident that wasn’t my fault. The signal was poor, so I moved to the window and fell out of it.
14 March 2025:
Last night I went to a restaurant alone. As a Serious Literary Author, I have no qualms about dining alone. While the idea of entering a restaurant alone might provoke self-consciousness in others, I am entirely unafflicted by this. I prefer to sit with only my own thoughts and musings for company. And besides, I know full well that if I did wish to dine with another person, I have several friends and acquaintances whom I could call upon to join me, and they would definitely say yes. Therefore, it is my choice to dine alone, and it is a choice that I am entirely at ease with. I am absolutely fine with it. It doesn’t bother me at all. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for the waiter who served me last night. It was immediately clear to me from the tone with which he asked “Table for one, sir?” that he regarded me with complete and utter contempt. My suspicions were confirmed when, after seating me at a small table in the corner of the restaurant, he cleared away the second wine glass and cutlery set in a blatant attempt to humiliate me by drawing attention to the fact that I was dining alone. He then took my food order just twenty-five minutes after I had begun perusing the menu; clearly he was keen for me to leave the restaurant as quickly as possible. As if this wasn’t bad enough, shortly after I finished my first glass of Sauvignon, he asked if I would like a second. The inference was clear. Anybody who chooses to dine alone must be a raging alcoholic. The final straw came when, after clearing away my main course, he asked if I would like to see the dessert menu. By posing this as a question rather than simply presenting me with the dessert menu, he was obviously trying to encourage me to say no, because he found the idea of somebody eating sticky toffee pudding alone absolutely unfathomable. Well, I wasn’t going to stand for another ounce of judgement from him. I stood up, told him I had never been insulted in all my life, downed my second glass of Sauvignon and left the restaurant.
16 March 2025:
Nothing troubles me more about modern society than the rise of the voice note. As a Serious Literary Author, I have always favoured the written word. My text messages are carefully and precisely constructed. Voice notes are antithetical to this. The speaker, who is for some reason always walking and out of breath, takes forever to get the point; their message disrupted by constant distractions, digressions, ‘umms’ and ‘erms’ – and when they do finally start making sense, they are invariably drowned out by a police or ambulance siren. I simply cannot abide it. Earlier today I was arranging to meet a friend for a walk. She responded to every one of my text messages with a voice note. Naturally, I refused to take her lead. Each rambling voice note from her was met with a clear and deftly composed text message from me. This back-and-forth continued for over an hour as we confirmed the details of our meeting. While I remain proud of my principled stance, in retrospect I did perhaps get a little carried away. She did not seem particularly pleased when, on meeting her in the park, I continued to respond to everything she said via text message.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: I am currently trying to save up for medical treatment for an injury that wasn’t my fault. Therefore, I would be honoured, nay, humbled, if you would consider becoming a paid subscriber. These, my most discerning littérateurs, receive access to the full Diary of an Author archive, exclusive posts, and a free download of my debut book of poems and short fiction. For a limited time, paid subscriptions are 20% off:
AUTHOR’S NOTE: In a rare treat for UK-based littérateurs, next month I will appearing on stage not once, but twice. I will be sharing my Serious Literary Works at the following events:
3 April: Rhymes with Orange, London
24 April: Everything is Working Out Poetically, Oxford
Both are exceptional live poetry/spoken word events, and I hope to see all 15,000 of you there.
Quote of the Week
“Remember, whenever you feel worthless, right now one of your calls might be being used for training purposes.”
- Daniel Piper
If you enjoyed this week’s newsletter, I would be delighted if you would consider sharing it with a discerning friend, colleague or lover.
Luckily, as you know this accident will happen on Wednesday you can avoid it by making sure you close the window before answering the phone call.
Quite the Daniel of all trades. Does the assistant have an assistant? So being you, yourself and y. I agree with Melanie.