A devastating typo
Speed-reading / Typo / Celebrities / Not funny / Podcast / Spy novel
7 Oct 2024:
Today I noticed a typo in an email after sending it to multiple recipients. I was devastated. As a Serious Literary Author (SLA), it is my duty to uphold the highest writerly standards in all forms of communication. But somehow, a mistyped word had managed to evade my Serious Literary Proofreading Process (SLPP).
As I saw it, I had three options. The first was to immediately go to the recipients’ homes and apprehend the email on their computers. But since they lived across the country, and two lived abroad, this did not seem particularly viable. The second option was to remotely hack into their computers, but this would require me to learn how to hack. In the end, I decided I had no choice but to follow up my email with another email in which I acknowledged the typo and apologised. This was an extremely painful message to write, but I knew, deep down in my colon, that by taking responsibility for my mistake, I would only grow as a writer.
***
I have noticed a typo in my follow-up email. I am heartbroken. To make one typo may be regarded as a misfortune; to make two looks like carelessness. I have now sent a third email to the recipients with a video attached in which I beg forgiveness and promise, through tears, that nothing like this will ever, ever happen agian.
***
I have just noticed a typo in the passage above. I am shattered. To make two typos looks like carelessness; to make three suggests a sudden neurodegenerative disease. I have made an urgent appointment with my doctor for this afternoon. As always, I have fully researched my condition online, which I know he appreciates. On this occasion, I have diagnosed myself with Dutch Elm Disease (DED).
***
Just saw doctor. Apparently DED only affects trees.
8 Oct 2024:
Today I resolved to develop the skill of speed-reading. As a Serious Literary Author, it is my duty to be well-read. But with so many classic texts available, to fit them all into a single lifetime of reading at standard speed would simply be impossible. After a few hours of practice, I managed to successfully double my average reading speed. I was delighted. The only minor snag was that in reading twice as fast, I occasionally found myself missing important details. To remedy this, I now read every sentence twice. It’s an ingenious solution, and I look forward to reading many more books.
9 Oct 2024:
Today I read an article about the titles various artists and celebrities give to their fans. For example, Lady Gaga calls her fans ‘Little Monsters’, while Justin Bieber refers to his as ‘Beliebers’. After giving it some thought, I decided the most appropriate title to describe me would be ‘Swiftie’. After all, Gulliver’s Travels is one of my favourite novels.
10 Oct 2024:
Today I told a friend I keep a diary, and she asked to read it. I gave her some sample passages, and as she read them, she began to chuckle. I was shocked and appalled. My diary is not supposed to be funny. As a Serious Literary Author, I have never made a joke in my life, let alone laughed at one. But then again, perhaps I shouldn’t have been surprised by her erroneous reaction. After all, this was the same friend I once saw laugh her way through an entire episode of gritty ‘90s television drama Mr Bean, including during a particularly devastating scene in which the protagonist gets his head stuck inside a turkey. This showed a complete lack of empathy for what can only have been a deeply unpleasant and traumatising experience for Bean. I must occasionally remind myself that not everybody possesses the same level of emotional intelligence.
11 Oct 2024:
Today somebody asked if I have considered turning my diary into a podcast. I had to laugh.1 As a Serious Literary Author, I have no time for podcasts. And besides, the problem with podcasts is that absolutely everybody has an idea for one. It’s an epidemic. It’s impossible to go for a coffee with an acquaintance these days without being forced to listen to their idea for a podcast. In fact, one could probably create a podcast entirely about peoples’ ideas for podcasts!2
12 Oct 2024:
Today I have been working on my new spy novel, featuring Secret Agent Luke Warm. I am particularly proud of the following passage, in which Agent Warm meets a (female) scientist.
Luke Warm entered the laboratory, where he found dozens of scientists in laboratory coats doing Serious Science Experiments (SSE). He glanced over one of the scientists’ shoulders at the purple mixture inside his vial.
‘Potassium Carbohydrate,’ Warm remarked.
‘That’s right,’ said the scientist. ‘You know your science.’
‘I studied at Oxbridge,’ Warm replied. He walked over to another scientist who was clearly struggling with her Bunsen burner.
‘Try turning it to the left,’ Warm offered. She did, and the flame suddenly turned from yellow to blue.
‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘I did not know how to do that.’
‘I’m looking for Doctor Spïtāswallów,’ said Warm.
‘Well, you just found her,’ replied the female scientist.
Warm raised an eyebrow.
‘A woman.’
‘Yes,’ said the woman. ‘But I am good at science.’
I hope you enjoyed this week’s volume of Diary of an Author. To become a paid littérateur and receive your free book, click the button below.
If you are not yet ready to become a paid littérateur but would still like to offer some Serious Literary Support (SLS), I would be delighted if you would consider buying me a coffee. As a Serious Literary Author, I require a minimum of two flat whites per day in order to function at full writerly capacity, so your support will help me to continue this important work.
While I do laugh at ‘jokes’, I have been known to emit a Small Writerly Chuckle (SWC) in response to instances of absurdity.
This is not an idea for a podcast.
I am so delighted by your writing. You, sir are a Serious Litterateur Undeniably Talented (SLUT).
‘I have noticed a typo in my follow-up email. I am heartbroken.’ We’ve all been there, Daniel. Thoughts and prayers.