Sensitive and non-distracting

Diary of an Author: 4 - 10 May

---

4 May:

People often ask me how to write characters with accents. When writing a foreign character, one should portray the accent in a way that is both culturally sensitive and non-distracting for the reader.

I like to subtly signpost a character’s accent and nationality without spelling it out through the dialogue. Take, for example, the following passage from my fourth novel, The Body in the Woods (in France), in which the protagonist, Inspector Camembert, ponders the discovery of a body in the woods (in France):

“Ze body was found in ze woods zis morning.” Inspector Camembert said in a strong French accent. “‘Ow did zat ’appen?” He asked, his thick French lilt emphasising his Frenchness. “Ze area was checked only yesterday,” he added Frenchly. He adjusted his Beret, threw a frog’s leg into his mouth and washed it down with a swig of Cointreau. “Sumsing iz wrong ’ere,” he added Frenchly.

5 May:

Today I heard back from a literary journal informing me that they would like to publish my work. I was delighted. However, my delight turned to shock when I learned that they only wished to publish one of my poems. And my shock turned to appalment when I learned that they also planned to publish poems by other authors. I had no choice but to decline. To publish just one poem by a Serious Literary Author is an insult. To make it share the page with poems by other authors is a hostile act.

6 May:

I have been dabbling in writing song lyrics. I am particularly proud of the first few lines of this quietly devastating number called The Day Before Today:

The day before today

All my predicaments seemed to exist at a significant geographical distance from me

Now it looks as though they are in closer than previously thought to my immediate vicinity

Oh, I believe in the day before today

Suddenly

I exhibit less than 50% of my former adult male characteristics

The presence of some sort of overhead obstruction has rendered me poorly illuminated

Oh, the day before today came suddenly

7 May:

I am handwriting today’s diary entry. I have decided I am [illegible] with digital devices. As a Serious Literary Author, I require tactility. I [illegible] touch. The tap of finger on key cannot [illegible] with the caress of pen on paper. Pixels cannot [illegible] with the [illegible] of ink. There is something truer about handwritten words. Purer. More [illegible]. While it is true that I do not have the most beautiful or legible handwriting in the [illegible], this does not [illegible]. It is not the [illegible] of the words that matter; it [illegible] [illegible] words themselves. I look [illegible] to rediscovering this [illegible] [illegible] beautiful piece of [illegible] when [illegible] [illegible] [illegible] type it up later [illegible].

8 May:

Today I had a meeting with a literary agent. I decided beforehand that I must not seem too eager. As a Serious Literary Author, I should appear thoughtful, measured and circumspect at all times. I therefore decided to deploy the phrase, ‘I am somewhat circumspect’, at regular intervals throughout the meeting. I perhaps said this a few too many times, and I did on one occasion accidentally say I was somewhat circumcised, but I think I made a good impression.

10 May:

Today I tried to buy a house. I was passing through a village and saw a lovely cottage with a ‘For Sale’ sign by the door. It would be the perfect place to write my new novel. I knocked on the door and made a very generous offer, which the owner accepted straight away. I then went straight to the bank to secure a mortgage. Within minutes I was sitting across from a mortgage advisor who, after a few pleasantries, started asking questions about my income. I was shocked and appalled. Everybody knows it is rude to ask an author about his finances. He asked what percentage of the house value I required as a loan. I told him one hundred percent. He asked if I had any money available to put down as a deposit. I told him no. He asked if I could provide any proof of funds or income at all. I told him yes, I could provide proof of a brilliant idea for a novel that was guaranteed to become a bestseller when published. He told me the bank could not consider this proof of funds. Confident he would change his mind on hearing the idea, I explained that the plot centres around a group of toys that come to life when their owner leaves the room. He said it was an interesting idea, but unfortunately the bank would be unable to loan me 100% of a house’s value based on an idea for a novel. He then started to chuckle. I’ll be the one laughing when Toy Tale is published, I said before storming out of the room.

---

Quote of the week:

“Remember, whenever you feel worthless: right now one of your calls might be being used for training purposes.”

- Daniel Piper

---

This month I launched a newsletter exclusively for paying littérateurs. You can read the first volume below. For a limited time, paid subscriptions are 25% off:

---